I’ve made a decision I won’t walk back:
From now on, the way a person communicates will be the primary factor I use to decide whether I trust them—especially if they are a therapist, coach, or guide.
I don’t care if the conversation happens in person, on Zoom, or through comment replies in a journal. The platform may change, but the essence doesn’t. If someone speaks impulsively, defensively, or condescendingly—they’ve already shown me who they are. No title can undo that.
We all slip. But a therapist who consistently:
- Snaps at a simple question
- Responds without thought, from the raw emotion of the moment
- Projects meaning that wasn’t there
- Offers diagnoses based on fragments of interaction
- Speaks in absolutes and dogma, rather than humility and nuance
…is not someone I will ever trust with my mind, my story, or my healing.
I don’t care if they have thousands of followers, bestselling books, or endorsements from people I admire. If a therapist cannot regulate themselves in everyday communication, they are not safe for me—no matter how qualified they appear on paper.
Because here’s what I’ve realized:
If a person doesn’t know how to pause, reflect, and choose their words with care, they will eventually bring their personal drama into the therapeutic space. It’s just a matter of time.
The line between “professional self” and “personal self” is a myth. If someone behaves reactively with others, they will bring that same lack of mindfulness into sessions—especially when something triggers them.
A great therapist, in their most difficult moments, might choose silence over careless speech.
Because they know: words can wound. And when you sit with someone’s inner world, even the subtlest gesture matters.
At the end of the day, the most fundamental requirement for a therapist isn’t certification.
It’s that they love people. Genuinely. Not abstractly. Not as a “population” to serve. But person by person, moment by moment.
Without that love, their knowledge and skills mean little.
Without that love, they’re just another person with tools they may misuse.
So – How to Truly Find a Good Therapist
Based on what really matters, not just credentials
1. Observe how they communicate in every context.
Don’t just pay attention to their therapy room persona. Watch how they reply to emails, how they speak in comments, how they show up in public conversations. The medium may shift, but their core way of relating won’t.
2. Look for emotional regulation.
A therapist who responds impulsively—snaps, gets defensive, or projects their own meaning—is showing you they haven’t done enough of their own work. Calm, thoughtful responses—especially in unexpected or “charged” situations—are a sign of readiness to hold you well.
3. Avoid the ones who speak in absolutes.
If someone delivers personal opinions as universal truths or diagnoses people casually without deep knowledge, that’s a red flag. Good therapists operate with humility and nuance, not dogma.
4. Look for consistency, not compartmentalization.
Therapists shouldn’t only be respectful and sensitive when they’re getting paid. The way they treat everyone—not just clients—is a reflection of their emotional maturity.
5. Value silence over performance.
A grounded therapist will choose to say nothing rather than say something careless. Presence isn’t about always having an answer—it’s about knowing when to pause.
6. Make love for people your non-negotiable.
This isn’t about charisma or friendliness—it’s about heart. The best therapists are those who genuinely care about human beings. Without that, no level of skill will keep you safe in their hands.
7. and, finally, – make sure they can adapt to you.
Some people need to spill their guts. Some need gentle compassion. Others need structure and a clear action plan. A good therapist won’t force their preferred style onto you. They will observe, ask the right questions, and adapt—because the right kind of help isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s personalized care based on who you are, not who they prefer to work with.
