I don’t like gossip. Gossip is toxic. Anyone who spreads it is basically spreading disease. Even if you just overhear something and pass it on in a whisper, it’s still gossip. And by the time it reaches the fourth person, more than half of it is usually distorted — twisted into dirty, murky lies. It’s ugly to get involved, even just by listening. It’s gross to wallow in this mess, turning over the rumors in your mind — “Well, they say this, but it’s probably not true…” And how awful it is to wrap up these toxic stories like a gift and hand them over to the people involved — “Here, enjoy!” — it’s beyond words.
It’s always been considered bad manners to talk badly about others. Gossiping about people instead of ideas isn’t just rude; it’s a sign of a small-minded perspective. Many of us fall into this trap. It’s not classy. If you must talk about someone, say only good things. Because when we speak ill of someone behind their back, we form an opinion without giving them a chance to explain themselves. That’s why in real courts, there’s a prosecutor and a defender — plus an impartial judge — so the accused can speak and share their side.
The only exception is when someone repeatedly harms others knowingly — a truly bad actor — and you warn those who trust them to protect themselves. Even then, it’s complicated, because many people do hurtful things out of ignorance or unconsciousness, not malice. True sociopaths or psychopaths who intentionally harm others are rare.
There are selfish people who don’t consider others’ feelings or fairness, but even then, if multiple people have verified that someone causes harm by selfishness, cruelty, or manipulation — twisting others for personal gain or ego — it’s important to look at the facts, not the person’s character alone. There’s usually something good about everyone, some reason or backstory worth understanding.
So even when warning others, stick to the facts: What did they do? Who did it hurt? Don’t jump to conclusions about their character without personal experience.
I’m not perfect at this either, but I try to notice when I start talking badly about someone behind their back. And if I do criticize, I try to understand why they act that way — to find some reason or context that helps explain their behavior.
I know someone in business — who’s very active socially and professionally. They promote themselves heavily on social media, building a mystique like a wise guru in the body of a young entrepreneur. I wanted to meet them, intrigued by the image they painted.
But when we finally met, I was stunned — it was the opposite of everything they projected online. They were cold, arrogant, calculating to the penny, sharp-minded but lacking real wisdom. After dealing with them, I spent a lot of time reflecting and blamed myself partly for our awkwardness. How could someone who seemed so spiritual be so shallow in real life?
Initially, I thought I’d avoid them forever. But I’m forgiving, so I gave it time. Then stories started coming from others — people who’d tried to collaborate with this person, only to have their ideas taken without credit, projects poorly executed, and then get cut out once no longer useful. Meanwhile, the person kept up their “spiritual” online persona to attract new followers and partners.
More mature people quickly see through this facade. But even when multiple people came to me, upset about this behavior, I kept defending him. I wanted to believe the person they portrayed online was real — maybe just immature, maybe unaware.
Gradually, though, I joined the chorus of criticism. My heart told me something was off. And honestly, it felt awful to speak ill of someone who wasn’t there to defend themselves. It’s just not right — morally and energetically. We reflect each other, and negativity breeds negativity.
So I stopped discussing this person altogether and asked others to do the same. I still see their posts online, hypnotizing thousands of trusting followers, and I want to debunk the myth, but it’s not my fight. If I expose him, those who only know the polished image won’t believe me — and I’d become the villain. This person will get what they deserve in time.
Some people will have to endure the bitter disappointment I went through. But that’s how we truly learn someone’s character — through personal experience. We can’t recognize a person’s flaws without seeing their supposed strengths first.
If you must talk about someone, do it directly and only to clarify their actions if they don’t understand the impact. What good is calling someone a scoundrel when they already know it? And if you speak to show someone’s wrong, do it with kindness. That kind of honesty requires trust and closeness. Accusations just close people off and cause harm.
So don’t speak badly of anyone, no matter what they’ve done. There are always reasons behind people’s actions — whole lives we don’t know. We can’t judge shocking words or deeds without trying to understand the person behind them. And as the saying goes, to truly understand someone, you have to walk a mile in their shoes.
We can’t do that for everyone we judge. It’s always better to try to uplift people, to build sincere, deep relationships where we can openly share what troubles us, rather than whispering behind their backs — truth or not. There’s no kindness in gossip, especially when emotions run high, because without knowing a person’s whole story, we simply cannot judge them.
Often, we don’t even understand ourselves, let alone others…
