As soon as the thought about the significance of self-perception in every area of life finally reached me (and I say “finally” because it really crawled to me — it took years), I began to hear about it on every corner. I mostly encounter these “corners” at work, listening to a series of audio files that come free with a subscription to Success magazine, which I recently signed up for. I must say, if you’re in the U.S. and can read in English, it’s probably the only magazine I’d recommend to everyone — no exceptions. Because wow. It actually moves people. Even one article can shift a person toward progress. And if you’re already moving, it’ll push you even faster. I highly recommend it. This isn’t sponsored — this is just real talk.
Today, I listened to an interview with John Maxwell, a foundational voice in American leadership science. Any interview or recording with him feels like holding a handful of gold. I believe one of his books is even called The Gold of Leadership. Of course, I have it. And of course, I’ve started it and — as usual — haven’t finished. I really need to sit down and go through the pile I bought last year.
In today’s interview, he said something that struck me: if self-perception — or self-image — is important in every area of life, then in relationships with others, it plays a key role. In fact, the kind of relationships we have with others will directly reflect how we see ourselves. That’s why working on self-perception isn’t optional — it’s essential.
We’ve all heard the phrase “you have to love yourself.” But very few people actually understand what that means. Most often, people confuse it with “thinking about yourself.” Sure, it’s important to consider yourself — but not only yourself. The key is, while thinking of others, don’t forget about you. Don’t put your needs aside, don’t erase yourself.
Loving yourself doesn’t mean pampering yourself constantly or indulging your every whim. Though yes, pampering and treating yourself kindly are part of it — they’re not the whole. And it certainly doesn’t mean thinking you’re the smartest, the most beautiful, or the most irresistible person alive. Overestimating yourself isn’t any better than underestimating yourself. And eventually, when that real feeling of self-love shows up, those categories — “smartest,” “most beautiful” — stop mattering altogether.
Self-love is acceptance. But it’s not just about accepting your flaws or your crooked or thick legs, or whatever it is that keeps you from seeing yourself as worthy. It’s deeper than that.
Loving yourself — and here’s the strange part — is actually quite simple. It’s not about convincing your mind that you deserve love. It’s about the absence of non-acceptance. It’s about removing all the inner constructions that say you don’t.
Trying to argue with your mind, trying to prove that you deserve love, or happiness, or good things — especially when there are hidden counter-arguments lodged deep in your subconscious — won’t get you far. These blind spots, these emotional black holes in our self-image, will keep bouncing the message back: “No. You’re unworthy.” And the more passionately you try to prove your worth, the stronger the “unworthy” wall becomes.
Until one day, suddenly — you see it. No more water in the bucket, no more moon in the water. The goose is free. It was all in your head. There are no Himalayas. And there never was an “unworthy” in the first place.
That idea — “I am unworthy” — is just a virtual construction. Like saying “your bicycle won’t ride” and then sitting there, screaming and crying, instead of just getting on and pedaling. You can shout “It’ll ride! It’ll ride!” all you want — but if you’ve already decided it won’t, you won’t even try.
“Unworthy,” no matter how many arguments or documents or trauma stories you stack under it — even if they’re stamped and notarized with your pain — is still just you telling yourself: “I’m not enough.” So the only way to free yourself once and for all is to realize that “unworthy” is no more real than “worthy.” Like everything else the brain labels “objective,” it’s ultimately a construct. And constructs can be taken down.
Sadly, most people only get this late in life — once they’ve grown enough to finally hear the sound of one hand clapping. But once they do… it all becomes clear. It’s simple. It was simple all along. And we realize just how long we kept ourselves stuck — trapped in the tight echo chamber of our own self-image.
