Since childhood, I kept hearing: “You just need to love yourself!” But no one ever gave me a guide on how to actually do that. And for a long time, I didn’t know how. I was just searching for this magical “self-love” that’s supposed to fix everything…
But is it really about becoming extraordinary to deserve your own love? Do we need to accomplish great things first? Or does every person, no matter their achievements, deserve their own love, acceptance, respect, protection, and support?
Very often, non-self-love begins in childhood. We may not even realize how past experiences shifted our inner foundation and distorted how we see ourselves.
Initially, a child is in complete harmony with themselves and the world, until in the process of interacting with this world, being dependent on the world (people, of course) in many aspects – physical, emotional, and others, the child starts to experience events that don’t fit into their understanding and feeling of harmony. These experiences are characterized by a sense of “Something is wrong with me” because children have an egocentric view of the world, and if something goes wrong in the world, then it must be their fault, as the source and cause of the world itself.
Depending on the degree of experiencing “Something is wrong with me,” it also varies in degrees up to “I am terrible and completely unworthy of being in this world,” and the deeper this develops, the further the child distances themselves from integrity, unity with the world; it’s as if they are thrown beyond the boundaries of the world.
If a child is whole, it’s like “The world is me and you, and all of us together,” but a child who feels “There’s something wrong with me” sees it as “Here’s the world, and here’s me,” where the most extreme position on this spectrum is the territory of suicide. This fracture — between the child’s inner world and the external world — becomes the blueprint for adult self-perception. And unless examined, it silently dictates how we relate to love, worth, and the idea of ‘deserving’ anything at all Moreover, in my view, all the fundamental “There’s something wrong with me” beliefs are established in childhood: most of them before the teenage years, and the final ones during adolescence.
If, in adulthood, a person experiences an exacerbation of childhood (including teenage) moods, it’s simply an intensification; no new ones arise, just the development and flourishing of long-established ones. So, if a child never had problems expressing themselves, for example, in school, then in adulthood, they won’t experience deep professional crises, and they’ll overcome difficulties easily or with minimal help.
Conversely, if a child had serious difficulties around “There’s something wrong with me” in certain spheres, then in the future, if life keeps presenting confirmations of this in those same areas, and if the person lacks awareness of this process, they’ll further solidify the belief that “there’s something wrong with me,” to the point where it becomes so ingrained that it’s hard to shake off even with professional efforts.
Again, “There’s something wrong with me” is just a generic name for a whole spectrum of possible self-perceptions. It can include “I’m ugly,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m incapable,” as well as projections from parents (since parents are an extension of my world, thus of myself) like “I’m a bad father/mother.” And many, many more! And this will always be the cause of “my unhappiness.”
Why didn’t I get the job? – Because I’m just fat. Why wasn’t I promoted? – Because I’m not smart enough. Why am I not married? – Because I’m a bad cook. I’m giving fairly banal examples; often these are complex combinations of different characteristics, but at the core is always “I’m unworthy,” because… fill in the blank…
However, very often, an adult child doesn’t even realize that they feel “unworthy.” They may consciously think they’re “worthy,” but life keeps presenting scenarios where they end up feeling “unworthy,” because their “unworthiness” is woven into the fabric of their beliefs and perceptions. It doesn’t just disappear. Ever. The goal of psychotherapy is to see the finely written “I’M UNWORTHY” on the canvas of the patient’s life, to trace each thread of that ‘unworthy’ story — not just intellectually, but viscerally — until the pattern loses its grip.
As a result, ultimately, this awareness becomes stronger than what’s written on the canvas, and what’s written ceases to have such an impact on the person and gradually fades away, disappearing altogether – as awareness begins to bring to the forefront the natural self-perceptions of the person, like “My world is me, you, and all of us together,” “I am love,” “Let’s create and soar,” and similar sentiments. And nowhere in this is there any boasting about being “beautiful,” “smart,” or “wonderful.” Because that’s irrelevant.
Transformation “towards oneself” isn’t about acquiring self-perceptions opposite to the old “unworthy” ones. Transformation is simply about “letting go” of the dysfunctional setting. There won’t be “unworthy” anymore; only one thing will remain – “worthy,” and there’s no need to believe in it, as it’s inherently the basic nature of every human being. Otherwise, people wouldn’t be born. They are born because they’re worthy. To be, to love, to be loved, and to create.
This is why it’s so important for a person to be self-aware. Not only to be aware of every moment – every moment of life, every moment of existence in this world. But also to understand that the canvas of “there’s something wrong with me, I’m unworthy” – is the result of childhood traumas – and is not the true nature of a person. And the deeper the childhood trauma, the “more concrete” the canvas, the longer one has to stay alert, the more attentive one needs to be to oneself when this canvas begins to guide one’s life.
Beyond the psychological, there’s also an ethical layer to self-love. Self-love helps align your actions — both inner (thoughts, feelings, awareness) and outer — with your own sense of right and wrong. But it’s not the only thing to rely on. You could spend your whole life “serving others” and still never truly accept yourself. I believe the foundation of real self-love is aligning with your own sense of morality and decency — the way you personally define it. And the higher that standard is — the more it reflects honesty, responsibility, and goodness — the more it helps others around you do the same.
There are things that can trigger your journey out of “non-self-love”: taking care of yourself, doing what brings you joy, giving — to yourself and to others — whether it’s money, gifts, time, or love. But you can’t build your healing on those things alone. It’s easy to get stuck in the doing and forget the point: to stop not loving yourself. Those actions can support the journey — but they are not the journey itself.
Of course, physical appearance matters in this world. But there’s no universal standard to fit into. And trying to match someone else’s ideal won’t guarantee you’ll love yourself. The most reliable approach is this: recognize your current self-image, as it is now, and learn to see it as your own standard. Accept it as part of your reality. The way you see yourself in your own eyes — that’s what truly shapes your sense of worth.
What’s dangerous is using the idea of “self-love” to chase an ideal that isn’t actually yours. Because even if you reach that ideal, there’s no guarantee you’ll suddenly feel self-love. And if you don’t reach it, it becomes another reason to punish yourself. Another failure. Another loop. You can keep changing, growing, “improving” — but if it’s not rooted in self-acceptance, it won’t feel like enough.
Therapy can help. But sadly, many people only go to therapy when things become really bad. From my own experience, it’s best not to wait until things feel unbearable. It’s better to reach out when life feels “fine” on the surface — but deep down, you know something’s off. Maybe something still hurts. Maybe you know that self-love isn’t quite there yet. Especially if you’ve been working on self-love and not making progress. Sometimes you don’t know if you need help — until you actually talk to someone.
Self-work can be powerful. But often, you can’t do it all alone. If you’ve been stuck in the same patterns for years, maybe it’s time to stop avoiding professional support.
Don’t wait for a miracle — a prince, a princess, or a blue helicopter to save you. Sure, some people have experienced big turning points through love — where a partner’s support changes their life. But I’ve never met anyone like that personally. I’ve only heard the stories. I’m not sure it works like that.
Yes, the people around us matter. It’s important to be with those who accept and support us — and to step back from those who don’t. Conscious parents, close friends, loving partners — they can help. But they can’t do the work for us. Their support creates a safe space — but the real transformation comes from within.
And if you depend too much on others’ support, what happens when they’re unavailable? If you’re too tied to their moods, you’ll always feel unsteady. It’s okay to lean sometimes — but not to build your whole sense of worth on someone else’s presence.
The journey from non-love to wholeness can be fast or slow. Sometimes it takes years. But there are no deadlines. You’re not behind. You are your own unique universe. No two paths are the same. The only thing that matters is that you keep going — at your own pace, for your own sake.
The truth is: the reasons behind non-love are not infinite. They’re not bottomless. There’s a finite number of emotional wounds and beliefs to heal. Some are simple and close to the surface. Some are buried deep and need help to uncover. But all of them can be worked through — patiently, one at a time. Give yourself grace.
Once you begin the path to self-love, the best thing you can do is relax and trust that you’ll get there. Even if it’s hard. Even if it takes a while.
And don’t be afraid of “missing out” while you’re still learning how to love yourself — whether that’s opportunities, relationships, beauty, or time. You can’t rush this process. And pushing yourself to “succeed” can create the illusion that you’ve healed — when you haven’t. That always backfires.
From what I’ve seen: your people, your timing, your chances — they will come. Beauty is subjective. And every stage of life has its own beauty. When you stop not-loving yourself, you’ll start attracting what’s meant for you. And as for youth — it passes for all of us. That’s not a reason to withhold love from yourself.
Work with what you have. Be kind to yourself. Be grateful.
And all this work is not about “pulling yourself together,” “being strong,” “showering yourself with creams, shoes, or other gifts and indulgences”… The answer to everything will be simple mindfulness, reaching a level of mindfulness is not as simple and easy as it sounds…
Self-Love is simply the absence of self-hatred. Self-shame. Self-rejection. It’s a state of human consciousness that can be described as “simple” — not as much presence, but really mostly the absence of non-loving. It’s the lack – lack of fear, doubt, suspicion, expectations. Because Love is the natural habitat for every human being, like the air we breathe. Love to Self is our ultimate birthright.
It’s OK if you are not there yet. Let you. Allowing yourself to be what you currently are – is the first step toward true acceptance. That’s where love begins.
Now I know — loving yourself isn’t something you strive for. It’s something you stop resisting.
