Every human being’s necessity is validation. We seek reflection, confirmation, and assurance that we are aligned with what’s considered “normal.” But is this need for external validation truly indispensable?
What Is “Normal,” and Why Do We Seek Validation?
Some people cringe at that word. And rightly so. It can sound rigid, even oppressive. Especially in circles like Austin’s — where individuality, neurodivergence, and emotional nuance are deeply honored — the term “normal” feels outdated or even violent. But let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.
“Normal,” as uncomfortable as it can be, isn’t always about control. Sometimes, it’s about orientation — about collective understanding.
Why Do We Even Need Norms?
Norms are shared agreements that help people coordinate — from driving on one side of the road to knowing how to behave in an interview. They make things predictable. And predictability lowers cognitive load. We don’t have to rethink every social interaction from scratch. That saves energy — and keeps us emotionally safer.
So What Role Does Validation Play?
Validation is feedback from others that tells us whether we’re still “in bounds” of those social agreements — whether explicit or implicit.
At work
Validation says, “Yes, your ideas matter here,” or “You’re doing the right thing.” It gives people permission to continue contributing and a reason to stay. It also helps them course-correct when they’re veering off-track.
At home
Validation says, “You’re not too much.” Or, “I hear you.” Or simply, “You belong here even when you’re messy.” That’s emotional safety. That’s what lets people rest, recharge, and connect.
On social media
It’s a digital echo chamber for validation. Hearts. Likes. Shares. Saves. All of them are mini-mirrors. All of them say, “Yes, we see you. And we approve.” It’s not just dopamine. It’s belonging.
The Deeper Question
Research has shown that when people received validation, they experienced less intense negative emotions and felt more understood (Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology).
So even if some people reject the idea of “normal”, they’re still often asking:
Am I coherent to others?
Am I still part of this world in a way that makes sense to someone?
That’s what validation delivers.
But what happens when those mirrors go silent?
Challenging the Necessity of External Validation
Relying too much on external validation can be problematic. It may prevent us from developing our own sense of self-worth. According to an article on Psych Central, overdependence on others’ approval can lead to emotional instability and hinder personal growth.
So, is it possible to survive, or even thrive, without external validation? Research suggests that while external validation can be beneficial, it’s not the sole path to self-worth (Psych Central). Cultivating self-validation—acknowledging our own worth and feelings—can lead to increased self-esteem and resilience.
Self-determination theory posits that fulfilling intrinsic needs like autonomy and competence can enhance well-being, independent of external approval. (Wikipedia)
Developing Internal Validation
If external validation isn’t always available, how do we maintain our sense of self? Here’s what’s involved in developing internal validation.
Self-Awareness: Recognizing and Accepting Our Emotions and Experiences
Self-awareness is the ability to understand our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. It involves acknowledging our feelings without judgment and understanding how they influence our actions. Developing self-awareness allows us to respond to situations thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. Research highlights that self-awareness is a key component of emotional intelligence, contributing to better decision-making and interpersonal relationships. (Verywell MindResearchGate)
Self-Compassion: Treating Ourselves with Kindness During Failures or Setbacks
Self-compassion involves being kind and understanding toward ourselves when we experience failures or difficulties. Instead of harsh self-criticism, self-compassion encourages us to treat ourselves with the same care we would offer a friend. Dr. Kristin Neff’s research indicates that self-compassion is linked to greater emotional resilience and well-being. (Self-CompassionVerywell Mind+1PEACEFUL KIDS+1)
Personal Standards: Setting and Adhering to Our Own Values and Goals
Establishing personal standards means defining our own values and goals, independent of external expectations. By setting personal standards, we create a sense of purpose and direction that aligns with our true selves. This internal compass guides our actions and decisions, fostering a stable sense of identity and self-worth.
Developing these aspects of internal validation can help maintain a strong sense of self, even in the absence of external affirmation.
Balancing Internal and External Validation
While internal validation—trusting and accepting oneself—is crucial for emotional resilience and stable self-esteem, external validation also plays a significant role in our lives. Receiving feedback, recognition, or support from others can provide valuable perspectives and reinforce our sense of belonging. The key is to strike a balance, using external validation as a supplement to, rather than a substitute for, internal validation.
Relying solely on external validation can lead to emotional instability, as our self-worth becomes dependent on others’ opinions. Conversely, exclusive reliance on internal validation may result in isolation or a lack of accountability. By integrating both forms of validation, we can maintain a healthy sense of self while remaining open to growth and connection.
For instance, acknowledging our achievements internally fosters confidence, while constructive feedback from others can highlight areas for improvement. This balanced approach enables us to navigate life’s challenges with greater adaptability and self-assurance.
In summary, while internal validation is empowering, occasional external feedback can provide valuable perspectives. The key is balance—using external validation as a supplement, not a necessity.
Take the Action to Stop the Need
Developing internal validation is a gradual process that empowers you to rely on your own sense of worth, reducing the need for external approval. Here’s a practical guide to help you build this inner strength:
1. Practice Self-Awareness
What to Do
Regularly check in with your emotions and thoughts. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment. For example, if you feel anxious before a meeting, recognize it as a natural response rather than a flaw.
Why It Helps
Self-awareness allows you to understand your reactions and needs, forming the foundation for self-validation. It enables you to respond to situations thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
2. Set Personal Standards
What to Do
Define what success and fulfillment mean to you, independent of others’ opinions. For instance, you might value creativity, kindness, or perseverance. Use these values as benchmarks for your actions and decisions.
Why It Helps
Having clear personal standards provides a roadmap for your behavior and choices, ensuring they align with your authentic self. This alignment fosters internal validation.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
What to Do
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. When you make a mistake, instead of harsh self-criticism, acknowledge the error and consider what you can learn from it.
Why It Helps
Self-compassion reduces the impact of negative experiences and builds resilience. It reinforces the idea that your worth is not contingent on perfection.
4. Engage in Reflective Practices
What to Do
At the end of each day, reflect on your experiences. Identify moments when you acted in alignment with your values or handled challenges effectively. Celebrate these instances, regardless of external recognition.
Why It Helps
Regular reflection reinforces positive behaviors and decisions, enhancing your sense of accomplishment and self-worth.
5. Limit Comparisons to Others
What to Do
Consciously avoid comparing yourself to others, especially on social media. Recognize that everyone has a unique journey, and comparisons often overlook individual circumstances and growth.
Why It Helps
Reducing comparisons allows you to focus on your personal progress and achievements, fostering a healthier self-image.
6. Seek Constructive Feedback, Not Validation
What to Do
When you seek feedback, focus on its potential to help you grow rather than as a means to confirm your worth. Approach feedback as a tool for improvement, not as a source of validation.
Why It Helps
This mindset shift helps you view feedback objectively, reducing the need for external validation and enhancing your ability to self-assess.
7. Celebrate Your Achievements
What to Do
Acknowledge and celebrate your successes, both big and small. Take time to savor accomplishments and recognize the effort you put into achieving them.
Why It Helps
Celebrating achievements reinforces the connection between your efforts and outcomes, boosting self-esteem and internal validation.
8. Cultivate Autonomy and Competence
What to Do
Engage in activities that challenge you and allow you to develop new skills. Whether it’s learning a new language, taking up a hobby, or tackling a project, choose endeavors that promote growth.
Why It Helps
Building competence and exercising autonomy fulfill intrinsic psychological needs, leading to greater self-confidence and internal validation.
By consistently applying these steps, you can strengthen your internal validation, leading to a more resilient and self-assured sense of self.
You Can Thrive!
Thriving without needing others’ approval can be hard, but it is possible. When we learn to trust and believe in ourselves, we become stronger and less affected by what others think. Even when no one gives us feedback, we can still stay true to our values and goals by following our own inner guide.
By relying more on how we see ourselves, instead of what others say, we find a steady sense of confidence that comes from inside.
