Posts in Personal Growth

Today, for some reason, I started remembering unpleasant moments from my past, mostly involving my former colleagues. Every time these memories resurface, I shudder — it’s like my whole body wants to recoil and push them back into the shadows. Even now, nearly three or four years later, it all still feels disturbingly fresh. Ugly. Shameful. Disgusting. I could list a dozen more words.

I don’t like gossip. Gossip is toxic. Anyone who spreads it is basically spreading disease. Even if you just overhear something and pass it on in a whisper, it’s still gossip. And by the time it reaches the fourth person, more than half of it is usually distorted — twisted into dirty, murky lies. It’s ugly to get involved, even just by listening.

It’s actually very easy, but the hardest part is remembering to do it. As soon as you remember—that’s already 80%. Imagine that you are not your body, thoughts, feelings, or any of that. All of those belong to the body. What is truly “ours” (and even that, it can only be loosely called ours, and I’ll explain why) is the non-judging, observing wisdom that always knows how to act and that only loves.

I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how many “roaches” we have in our heads, how inadequate we may feel, or how imperfect our lives might seem, the best choice we can make—whether through self-expression or not—is to simply do. To do things that make someone else’s life happier, better, easier.

“When people are attacked, when they are in a state of stress, there is no hope that they can be rehabilitated…” This quote from the article “Working with Addiction: Dr. Gabor Maté Explains Why Kindness and Love Are More Effective Than Punishment” captures something vital. I won’t reprint the entire piece—you can read it yourself if you wish—but I want to draw your attention to one of its key implications:

If you've ever felt like you've already “done the work” but still carry a quiet undercurrent of unworthiness, this is for you. I was listening to one of Abraham’s (Esther Hicks) talks when something cracked open. I’d heard the message before, but this time, it landed differently. I realized I still didn’t see myself as worthy.

Recently I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with a friend whom I considered very close. I thought she saw me the same way. We had a good relationship, and she always genuinely rejoiced in my growth. But then, something shifted. I don’t know what exactly, but her attitude toward me changed.

I died last night. Not for real. I died in a dream. Yet, it felt so real. The dying part. You know how it is. You die - and you wake up. I woke up—and somehow, today, I see everything in a completely new light. I am dreaming about seeing myself running through a large room, through sliding doors out to a large balcony, surrounded by warmth and lush tropical plants—and the thrilling atmosphere of joy and bliss from every side.

Ultimately — at least for now for me — this remains one of the most universal ways to rise from a gloomy state into a loving one. I won’t describe every detail — I highly recommend reading The Messenger book. It’s easy to find online, easy to read — not very short, but manageable. This is how I practice it.

For years, I had the vague sense that I was stuck somewhere in adolescence. I couldn’t explain it clearly—there was no specific moment, no obvious trauma to point to. Just a quiet, persistent discomfort, as if something essential hadn’t quite formed. I knew something was off, but I didn’t know where to look. And then—one day—it clicked.